Friday, October 30, 2009

My BooBoo Boy!

Braxton is now almost 4 weeks old!

He was born Oct 6th weighing in at 5lbs 8 oz, spent 6 days in NICU but is doing great now!
He's so adorable and I just love him.

All the pain, anger, jealousy and bitterness I felt towards my sister and her pregnancy all vanishes when I look at that baby and he wraps his tiny hand around my finger.

It still hurts that he's not mine or that I don't have one of my own but, its gotten easier.
Sure, I've still had some tearful moments especially those little moments when its just him & I and I'm holding him, feeding him and listening to him sleep.

I keep thinking that maybe God is looking down and seeing how good of a Mother I would be and maybe he'll finally bless Dan & I.


Friday, October 2, 2009

Little boy

There is this little boy that is growing inside my sisters womb and I love him already.

Finding out my baby sister was pregnant when we have been trying for so long was a very painful blow to my heart and I won't deny that.

I'll admit that I now feel guilty for feeling the way I felt as I was jealous of her and this baby, angry at God for allowing her to conceive while I've been praying daily for years now for the same thing that she was given so easily.

But, I'll tell you one thing.
I already love this little guy beyond this universe and I will move mountains to protect him and I promise to always chase the boogie man away.

As my sister and baby Braxton have faced several obstacles during her pregnancy I'm just sick with worry but, I know that God will protect my sister and this beautiful baby.

Little man,
as much as I want to see you , cuddle you , shower you with kisses...and of course spoil you rotten... as long as its still safe for you... can you please just stay in Mommy's tummy just a little while longer? No need to rush as you'll have your entire life ahead of you.

Auntie Lou

Friday, September 4, 2009

Googlism for: brandy

check out the 2nd one... "brandy is going to be a mom" isn't that somethin'..Lord I hope so.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Prayerful Lullaby

Prayerful Lullaby
(for those waiting)
Written by Dan Lea

When the day comes and I look into your eyes, my heart's gonna melt.
You're going to fill me with such love I've never felt.
I wanna hear your first laugh and see your first smile
wipe away your first little tear and hold your tiny hand in mine.
Can't wait to hold you in my arms and sing you a lullaby
When you need me I'll chase the bad dreams goodbye.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting
hoping and praying for you, our beautiful grace
Mommy and Daddy are getting ready
looking forward to seeing your angelic face.

Baby, holding you would make me whole and complete
What happiness you'll bring on the day that we'll meet.
An answered prayer, a beautiful gift from above
you'll be the love of my life, I'll give up rest just to watch you sleep.
Hush little one don't you cry, I'll always be by your side.
My angel; my love you for you, I will never hide.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting
hoping and praying for you our beautiful grace.
Mommy and Daddy are getting ready
looking forward to seeing your angelic face.

Don't grow up so fast and be ready to say goodbye
While I can, I wanna hold you and sing a prayerful lullaby.

Copyright 2009

This is a song that I wrote that somewhat deals with infertility. My wife and I are going
through this and it can be painful and heartbreaking. For those out there who maybe struggling with infertility or know someone who is I want to suggest this group called The Five Waiting Wombs. They share their thoughts and struggles on infertility and other pregnancy topics.
Infertility is noting new remember that Sarah and Hannah just to name a couple were both "barren". I would like to encourage those that are struggling with this not to give up and not to lose hope. God is a God bigger than our own dreams and nothing is impossible with Him.

In The Twilight Of His Coming
aka Boo

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Things I wish I knew when I was 22

I found this online (thanks to Stumble) and I thought I would give it a go...
here's the link.

Okay, so I was 22 years old 6 & 1/2 years ago *sigh*.

So, the things I wish I knew when I was 22... where to start?...where to start?...

I wish I knew at 22 that the loser-abusive-jerkwad that I was dating would turn into said loser-abusive-jerkwad and he was not worth the time or effort that I put in to that relationship.

I wish I knew at 22 that getting involved with the above mentioned jerkwad would result in my heart aching endlessly from missing his children that I grew to love as my own.

I wish I knew at 22 that at 26 I would find my soulmate, fall deeply inlove with him and marry him 6 months after meeting him - I wouldn't have wasted my time with anybody else.

I wish I knew at 22 to take better care of myself and lose weight in order stop or lessen the symptoms of PCOS and maybe, just maybe - I would be a Mother by now.

I wish I knew at 22 that half the "crazy" stuff that my Mom said while I was growing up actually makes sense (don't you dare tell her I said that!)

I wish I knew at 22 that in 2009 the economy would crash - I would've put more money in the bank!

I wish I knew at 22 that I would need to educate myself on the fundamentals of professional baseball so that when I married my husband we would have more to talk about.

I wish I knew at 22 that the handsome native american indian man that I watched dance at a powwow would later end up being my step-dad and the only stable, unconditional, loving male role model I'd ever have and the best thing that ever happened to my Mom.

I wish I knew at 22 that I was beautiful, smart and worthy of so much more than what I was limiting myself to.

I wish I knew at 22 or atleast better realized that my grandmother's time on this earth was growing short - I would've made video recordings of her telling me her stories from when she was young. I would've recorded her making her silly little sounds and her giggle. I see a lot of her in myself and that makes me miss her even more.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Finding my peace

"When you find peace within yourself , you become the kind of person that has peace with others" -Peace Pilgrim

Maybe thats my problem... I haven't found peace within myself. Because, I certainly do not have peace with others. Maybe by learning to accept myself for who and what I am than I could be at peace with myself?... who knows.
But, there are 2 things about me that I find almost impossible to accept.
  1. My fat ass
  2. Infertility
How could I possibly find peace with my body when I hate the way I look/feel/move etc?
I think the only fix to this problem is to fix my body...


How could I possibly find peace with infertility?
I really don't think its possible. Even those fellow infertile women who have been able to have a baby via pregnancy or a baby/child via adoption/surrogacy etc still can not find peace with infertility. The pain of infertility has never gone away for them and I really don't see how it ever could for me either. Of course, if I fix my body I may be able to conceive... thus being no longer considered infertile.

I've always wondered how others find peace when their world is turned upside and in a constant state of chaos...

I find peace in only a handful of things...
  • Quiet
  • Music
  • Resting my head on my husbands belly
  • Beadwork
  • Being alone with my thoughts
  • Singing
If I haven't mentioned already my life is at the moment in slight turmoil and constant chaos. Sometimes I can just feel the stress inside of me on the brink of boiling over...
There is just so much noise surrounding me almost constantly that I can't even come up for air.
Bob Dylan once said "Chaos is a friend of mine". Well, chaos is not my friend.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Do you ever feel disposable? Feel lost in the crowd?
I do.
There are days when I feel like a disposable dirty diaper... worn, dirty, and tossed in the garbage.
Like the things I say have no importance to anyone, my opinions don't matter and sometimes my existence is ignored.
I'm tired of ignoring these feelings that I have and just pretending that everything is okie dokie when its far from that.
I guess I've become really good at faking smiles and pretending to be happy when I'm not.
I know that God made us in his image but, am I damaged goods? Am I not good enough for people to value my opinion? Or, am I just being arrogant in thinking that people should value my opinion?
Lets see if I can make this make sense... sometimes in my relationships with others I feel devalued because of being treated like I'm still a child, still juvenile, ignorant and unimportant.
The sad thing is that the people who's eyes still see me as a ignorant, juvenile child are the people in my life that I love the most.
I'm almost 29 years old... when am I gonna grow up in the eyes of others?
When is my opinion going to count?
I know that in the end WE allow people to treat us the way they do... WE allow people to make us feel the way they do. People treat you the way you let them treat you... I know this...
but, that still doesn't change anything. I still feel disposable.
I was once told "one persons trash is another persons treasure" in reference to me!... coming from someone I once loved and would've flipped over backwards for...when I grew tired of waiting for him and moved on. Years later that still haunts me... I was trash to him...nothing to him but something to use and toss aside.... and thats exactly what he did.
Why does this still bother me? Why do I still give this person that much value and power in my current life?
I am madly inlove and married to my bestfriend... who could ask for more? (Yes, a family of my own would be nice... but, thats besides the point.) My husband treats me like a princess and lavishes over me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his entire life.
Yet, I still feel ugly, beat down, worn out and disposable.


Monday, July 6, 2009


When I was a little girl I believed that I could fly... truly believed it. I even remember telling some of my little friends that I could fly.

Of course, nobody can fly unless they are in a airplane or the like. But, innocent dreams of a child like I was...I truly did believe I could fly and convinced myself that I could.

And, as a teenager and young adult there were plenty of people that came in and out of my life that I believed would not hurt me and would always be my friend.... wrong! Those people that were my "B.F.F's" were only what I like to call "good time friends"... when times are good they are around but, when times are bad they bail on ya.

Just like we're all told when we are kids that "if you have sex, you'll get pregnant". For some this is very true... but, not for me. If that were the case, I would've been pregnant a thousand times over.

I believe in God, I believe in things unseen, I believe that Dr. Pepper is the best cure for a headache, I believe that my Mom is the best cook in the whole world, I believe that my husband was made just for me, I believe in myself most days, and I believe that God hears our hearts desires and its up to us to believe that he will give us what we need in his time....and I believe in fairies :)... okay j/k about the fairies thing but, I like them an awful lot!


Monday, March 2, 2009

PCOS - Look what you have done to me.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome..

Look what you have done!
You have tricked my mind into thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.
You gave me 2 pink lines only to take it away.
You have made me into a shadow of a person that I used to be.
You took away my clear skin and left me blotchy and dry.
You have made my hair go thin.
You have caused me to grow hair in places a woman shouldn't grow hair.
You have caused my nails to be brittle and break easily.
You have caused me to be insulin resistant and diabetic.
You have caused me to be fat.
You have given me skin tags.
You have given me dark skin patches.
You have caused me to be in pain.
You have caused so much heartbreak.
You have given me empty arms.
You have given me dry, flaky, itchy skin.

I may have PCOS but, PCOS does NOT have me!

-Just a little something I wrote while being pissed at my body like I am most days.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Infertility Poem by Shelley Cross

Infertility Poem
by: Shelley Cross

When do I stop?

When do I realize it's enough?

Why does it have to be me

who has it so tough?

There are many out there

who are evil and cruel.

Yet do You burden them

with an infertility curse?

A 16 year old delivers

a healthy baby boy

then throws him in the garbage

like some old broken toy.

A drug addict

has 3 beautiful little ones

and beats them black and blue

for nothing they have done.

A worn-out woman

with already more than she can bear

sighs dissapointedly

when she sees two lines are there.

God give me one, just one

to cherish all my days

And I promise that to You I'll give

all glory, credit and praise.

Make it stop

this intense longing and fear.

Please give me a child

that I can hold near!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Three Years

Three years of heartache and disapointment...
There are days when I want to shake my fists at the Lord and scream "WHY!?!"
Why should my arms continue to be empty when there are so many children in the world that are being born to women who don't want them!? (or, who can't take care of them)
I know we are not supposed to question God's will...
but, I am angry, hurt and so weary.
I dont know what I'm doing wrong and I've been trying to figure out what it is that God wants us to do...
Everybody and their brother is praying for us... and thank you to those of you that are... that means the world to us.
I know in my heart that God would not have brought us to this trial if he weren't going to bring us through it.
I'm so tired of being reminded every day that I'm not a Mother.. I am nobody's Mother...will I ever be?
I'm trying to gather encouragement from anywhere and everywhere at this point.. just to keep going.
I know that God is with me and he feels the pain in my heart and I know he has a plan for all of us...
But, why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like God hears and sees my pain yet he doesnt give me answers or lead me down the right path?


Tuesday, February 3, 2009


"Something" or what I like to think is God keeps bringing adoption into my heart..
Especially this past week... all I keep thinking about is wanting to give up trying to conceive our own biological child and just go for adoption.
I know probably most of you are thinking..."how the heck are they going to afford that?" If we adopt through my tribe (or another tribe) basically all you pay is legal fees, finger printing and background check... could be as little as a few hundred dollars or a few grand...Of course we would still have to pass a home study just like in a "normal" adoption.
Of course Danny and I talked about this in length and he knows how heartbroken I get every single month that we dont get good news... and all the stuff I'm putting into my body in order to help us conceive and he knows about the damage it could be doing to my already compromised reproductive system.

Things for us are finally starting to take a turn for the better and we're getting our lives together to start a family... weather I actually do get pregnant or we adopt...
We will be able to provide a child with a stable and loving home... thats all thats important