Monday, November 10, 2008

January 1st 2009

We're getting closer and closer to the new year yet again... every year I always think to myself... what is this year going to bring and what can I do to improve myself.
Every year I say to myself...this is gonna be the year that I finally lose this weight of mine, I'm gonna stop biting my nails etc.

On January 1st 2009 I'll be 7 days away from turning 28... woopty woo

I do know one thing... each and every year I try to be a better person than I was the year before... I try to be a better wife, better sister, better daughter... the only thing missing is that I'm not a Mother..still.

I've had to learn the hard way that I can't please everybody as much as I try... there are some people that will never-ever be pleased no matter what you do.

The past year hasnt been easy by far for Danny & I but... our marriage has only gotten stronger because of the struggles that we've had... yet, we still hold it all together. I told Danny a few weeks ago that I think this year is gonna be alot better.... and I sure hope it is! We're finally getting somewhere with his workmans comp case... and we're heading in the right direction as far as fertility treatments are going... so hopefully 2009 will be our year to shine.


Monday, September 22, 2008

What nobody told you about TTC, a collection of thoughts.

This was posted by friend Misty on

This is a collection of thoughts from women facing the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. Some of it may make you cry, some of it may make you smile. The important thing is to realize that you are not alone in your struggle. Infertility may be the most difficult time of your life spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. If you are personally experiencing infertility (TTC longer than 12 months) and would like to be prayed for, please email me your prayer request.

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set...

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common.

That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),

That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".

That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.

That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.

That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.

That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).

That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.

That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.

That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!

That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!

That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would learn to speak in code
Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN

That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.

That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)

That my friends who started TTC 1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before we get pregnant with 1.

That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!

It's good to know I am not alone.

That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.

That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")

That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.

That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.

That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)

That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time

That your body has its own mind.

That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.

Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.

That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling

That you feel useless as a female

That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

I posted this with a group I'm with and asked that they add to it and I am going to add what they wrote.
No-one told me that I would be seriously staring a childless future in the face at the tender age of 24, without any explanation.

No-one told me that I would sit in front of a computer screen sobbing my eyes out because the tale of someone else's pregnancy loss strikes such a chord.

No-one told me that hope is a potent drug. Every so often you get a hit, and that's all that keeps you going sometimes.

No-one told me that I would end up this strong. Nor that the price I'd have to pay for all this 'personal growth' was three lost babies.
That having the RE and other patients in the waiting room telling me "You're young, don't worry your pregnancy is just around the corner" would infuriate me to no end!!!
**wanted to add at the bottom of this gals post that she is 30yrs old*
that looking at my 4 month old nephew would make me want run away in tears, on Christmas eve.

that it would take so darn long, 2 years next month.

that I would notice how everyone around me doesn't take care of their own kids!

that I would start to think I would be the best Mom ever, because it took so long to get pregnant and I would appreciate a baby more!

that I would get so irritated with my sister in law complaining about her morning sickness, that I would cry when I left her house!

that I'm starting to come to terms with that nagging feeling that I could never get pregnant might actually be coming true.
That people constantly asking when you're going to start a family makes you feel sad, but what really hurts is when everybody stops asking.
That being sexually responsible at a young age and doing as my parents asked (waiting until marriage) would only please them and haunt me later.

That being on Depo for 4 years was a bad idea if I ever wanted to have children later. (I only found out after I had been on it for so long)
Nobody told me that I would secretly start to feel guilty that DH married me, instead of someone who doesn't need hundreds of dollars of pills every month.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


I went to my doc apointment today (follow up from surgery)...
and Dr. Muffley said that the cyst wasnt attatched to the ovary at all... that it was infact attatched to one of my falopian tubes...but he said because it was so large and smashing everything that they werent really sure where the cyst was coming from until he got in there... strange huh?
He said he had a field day looking at my "innards" LOL!.. -..
But... he said the tubes are fine..he did do the dye injecter thingy and my tubes were clear.... everything came out and after removing the cyst there were no tears or holes or anything...

ummm they tested the cyst and it wasnt cancerous... he did say that was bigger than he thought... he held his hands up to show me and it was about the size of a large grapefruit... way bigger than his fist he said...

I'm also going to start back on metformin Friday Ummm... also Danny is going to go have to get friendly with a plastic cup and have his little swimmers checked... fun stuff... that'll be in the beginning of next month sometime.
and the best news EVER... I got CLOMID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAY!!!!!!! .. I'm so excited!
He said we're gonna do 50MG on cycle days 5-9 for 3 months... if I'm not preggo in the 3 months than I'll do 100MG for 3 months... than still if not pregnant than we'll go upto 150MG...
For those of you that dont know... Clomid helps women to ovulate... or ovulate stronger if they arent ovulating "enough"... hope that makes sense.
I have heard from friends of mine that Clomid makes you are a raging ball of hormones... so I'm so looking forward to being the Clomid Pyscho Poster Child LOL..but I gotta wait until Danny's S/A (sperm analysis) to start the Clomid... and he wants to do another ultrasound to make sure theres nothing growing in there since I've been having some pain issues... because I cant do Clomid if theres any cysts... ummm I think thats it
Thank you for all the prayers, well wishes etc... I'm just so excited!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Why is it that women who are trying to concieve constantly punish ourselves?
No, I’m not talking about physically punishing ourselves... but mentally and emotionally.
For instance... for years and years and years I have subscribed to parenting magazines eventho I have no children...but I honestly enjoy reading them because I know one day when I do have a child... all that information I’ve read about different things will help in my parenting skills.
And another thing I do... I collect baby name books... so far in my collection I have 7. Most of which... have the same names in them! Explain that one! But... I will rifle through them and ask my hubby "do ya like this ya like that one?"... at this stage..whats the point? Its not like we’re pregnant and have a soon-to-be baby to name. I dont know... guess I’m just a glutten for punishment..
And I also listen to these sad songs about TTC and stuff... WHY? Why do I do that to myself!?!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

What is wrong with me?

What the hell is wrong with me?
Am I the only one that feels this way?
When I see a newborn baby or the cutest little toddler.. I think to myself.. "man if I could only steal that baby and get away with it"... of course... I would NEVER EVER EVER do something like that... I could NEVER cause a mother & father so much pain... plus its illegal...durrr!
But the thought still runs around in my little pea brain from time to time... or I see these crack-whore mothers with a newborn... and I think to myself... only if they would say "hey do you want a kid"...and they were serious about it! I would sooo take them up on it!
anyways... what the hell is wrong with me?