Thursday, July 9, 2009

Finding my peace

"When you find peace within yourself , you become the kind of person that has peace with others" -Peace Pilgrim

Maybe thats my problem... I haven't found peace within myself. Because, I certainly do not have peace with others. Maybe by learning to accept myself for who and what I am than I could be at peace with myself?... who knows.
But, there are 2 things about me that I find almost impossible to accept.
  1. My fat ass
  2. Infertility
How could I possibly find peace with my body when I hate the way I look/feel/move etc?
I think the only fix to this problem is to fix my body...


How could I possibly find peace with infertility?
I really don't think its possible. Even those fellow infertile women who have been able to have a baby via pregnancy or a baby/child via adoption/surrogacy etc still can not find peace with infertility. The pain of infertility has never gone away for them and I really don't see how it ever could for me either. Of course, if I fix my body I may be able to conceive... thus being no longer considered infertile.

I've always wondered how others find peace when their world is turned upside and in a constant state of chaos...

I find peace in only a handful of things...
  • Quiet
  • Music
  • Resting my head on my husbands belly
  • Beadwork
  • Being alone with my thoughts
  • Singing
If I haven't mentioned already my life is at the moment in slight turmoil and constant chaos. Sometimes I can just feel the stress inside of me on the brink of boiling over...
There is just so much noise surrounding me almost constantly that I can't even come up for air.
Bob Dylan once said "Chaos is a friend of mine". Well, chaos is not my friend.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Do you ever feel disposable? Feel lost in the crowd?
I do.
There are days when I feel like a disposable dirty diaper... worn, dirty, and tossed in the garbage.
Like the things I say have no importance to anyone, my opinions don't matter and sometimes my existence is ignored.
I'm tired of ignoring these feelings that I have and just pretending that everything is okie dokie when its far from that.
I guess I've become really good at faking smiles and pretending to be happy when I'm not.
I know that God made us in his image but, am I damaged goods? Am I not good enough for people to value my opinion? Or, am I just being arrogant in thinking that people should value my opinion?
Lets see if I can make this make sense... sometimes in my relationships with others I feel devalued because of being treated like I'm still a child, still juvenile, ignorant and unimportant.
The sad thing is that the people who's eyes still see me as a ignorant, juvenile child are the people in my life that I love the most.
I'm almost 29 years old... when am I gonna grow up in the eyes of others?
When is my opinion going to count?
I know that in the end WE allow people to treat us the way they do... WE allow people to make us feel the way they do. People treat you the way you let them treat you... I know this...
but, that still doesn't change anything. I still feel disposable.
I was once told "one persons trash is another persons treasure" in reference to me!... coming from someone I once loved and would've flipped over backwards for...when I grew tired of waiting for him and moved on. Years later that still haunts me... I was trash to him...nothing to him but something to use and toss aside.... and thats exactly what he did.
Why does this still bother me? Why do I still give this person that much value and power in my current life?
I am madly inlove and married to my bestfriend... who could ask for more? (Yes, a family of my own would be nice... but, thats besides the point.) My husband treats me like a princess and lavishes over me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his entire life.
Yet, I still feel ugly, beat down, worn out and disposable.


Monday, July 6, 2009


When I was a little girl I believed that I could fly... truly believed it. I even remember telling some of my little friends that I could fly.

Of course, nobody can fly unless they are in a airplane or the like. But, innocent dreams of a child like I was...I truly did believe I could fly and convinced myself that I could.

And, as a teenager and young adult there were plenty of people that came in and out of my life that I believed would not hurt me and would always be my friend.... wrong! Those people that were my "B.F.F's" were only what I like to call "good time friends"... when times are good they are around but, when times are bad they bail on ya.

Just like we're all told when we are kids that "if you have sex, you'll get pregnant". For some this is very true... but, not for me. If that were the case, I would've been pregnant a thousand times over.

I believe in God, I believe in things unseen, I believe that Dr. Pepper is the best cure for a headache, I believe that my Mom is the best cook in the whole world, I believe that my husband was made just for me, I believe in myself most days, and I believe that God hears our hearts desires and its up to us to believe that he will give us what we need in his time....and I believe in fairies :)... okay j/k about the fairies thing but, I like them an awful lot!