Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Do you ever feel disposable? Feel lost in the crowd?
I do.
There are days when I feel like a disposable dirty diaper... worn, dirty, and tossed in the garbage.
Like the things I say have no importance to anyone, my opinions don't matter and sometimes my existence is ignored.
I'm tired of ignoring these feelings that I have and just pretending that everything is okie dokie when its far from that.
I guess I've become really good at faking smiles and pretending to be happy when I'm not.
I know that God made us in his image but, am I damaged goods? Am I not good enough for people to value my opinion? Or, am I just being arrogant in thinking that people should value my opinion?
Lets see if I can make this make sense... sometimes in my relationships with others I feel devalued because of being treated like I'm still a child, still juvenile, ignorant and unimportant.
The sad thing is that the people who's eyes still see me as a ignorant, juvenile child are the people in my life that I love the most.
I'm almost 29 years old... when am I gonna grow up in the eyes of others?
When is my opinion going to count?
I know that in the end WE allow people to treat us the way they do... WE allow people to make us feel the way they do. People treat you the way you let them treat you... I know this...
but, that still doesn't change anything. I still feel disposable.
I was once told "one persons trash is another persons treasure" in reference to me!... coming from someone I once loved and would've flipped over backwards for...when I grew tired of waiting for him and moved on. Years later that still haunts me... I was trash to him...nothing to him but something to use and toss aside.... and thats exactly what he did.
Why does this still bother me? Why do I still give this person that much value and power in my current life?
I am madly inlove and married to my bestfriend... who could ask for more? (Yes, a family of my own would be nice... but, thats besides the point.) My husband treats me like a princess and lavishes over me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his entire life.
Yet, I still feel ugly, beat down, worn out and disposable.


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