Thursday, July 9, 2009

Finding my peace

"When you find peace within yourself , you become the kind of person that has peace with others" -Peace Pilgrim

Maybe thats my problem... I haven't found peace within myself. Because, I certainly do not have peace with others. Maybe by learning to accept myself for who and what I am than I could be at peace with myself?... who knows.
But, there are 2 things about me that I find almost impossible to accept.
  1. My fat ass
  2. Infertility
How could I possibly find peace with my body when I hate the way I look/feel/move etc?
I think the only fix to this problem is to fix my body...


How could I possibly find peace with infertility?
I really don't think its possible. Even those fellow infertile women who have been able to have a baby via pregnancy or a baby/child via adoption/surrogacy etc still can not find peace with infertility. The pain of infertility has never gone away for them and I really don't see how it ever could for me either. Of course, if I fix my body I may be able to conceive... thus being no longer considered infertile.

I've always wondered how others find peace when their world is turned upside and in a constant state of chaos...

I find peace in only a handful of things...
  • Quiet
  • Music
  • Resting my head on my husbands belly
  • Beadwork
  • Being alone with my thoughts
  • Singing
If I haven't mentioned already my life is at the moment in slight turmoil and constant chaos. Sometimes I can just feel the stress inside of me on the brink of boiling over...
There is just so much noise surrounding me almost constantly that I can't even come up for air.
Bob Dylan once said "Chaos is a friend of mine". Well, chaos is not my friend.


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