Its been awhile since I've blogged I just haven't been in the right state of mind for a few months now.
Our baby girl is now someone elses baby girl and I'm still trying to find peace with that.
I'm tired of people thinking I owe them an explanation of what happened like they were my "friend". I don't have to answer to anybody.
All I can do now is pick up the pieces and move on.
We started TTC again (not seriously as in no meds yet).
Hubby got a great job and I'm enjoying being a housewife which I believe is my true calling (other than being a Mom).
In the early morning hours (around 2:30am) on November 12th my firstborn, Sassy (4 legged but, she was MY child) passed away and shortly after I started having nightmares about us burying her alive and all these thoughts in my head during the day of the same thing. To say the least since her passing I have had very bad insomnia.
My Puddy girl is gone and I am lost without her.
Not even a few days later I had a big falling out with my sister who seems to think I shouldn't be hurting as much as I am over the adoption failure. Yes, it is our fault that it failed but - that doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
So just to recap since the beginning of October I lost my job, adoption failed, lost all of the people that I trusted the most and thought were real friends, mother in law moved in not even a few days after I lost my job, and now my bestfriend/child/little old lady/my heartache healer all wrapped into one has passed away.
There are days I don't even want to wake up anymore. (When I do sleep that is).
I'm just trying to put one foot infront of the other.
I know there are people out there that would like to see me fail and are probably happy that I am so sad - they think I deserve it.
But, I wish nothing but the best for them and I miss them even though I know I shouldn't.