Empty Arms

Its been awhile since I've blogged I just haven't been in the right state of mind for a few months now.
Our baby girl is now someone elses baby girl and I'm still trying to find peace with that.
I'm tired of people thinking I owe them an explanation of what happened like they were my "friend". I don't have to answer to anybody.
All I can do now is pick up the pieces and move on.

We started TTC again (not seriously as in no meds yet).
Hubby got a great job and I'm enjoying being a housewife which I believe is my true calling (other than being a Mom).

In the early morning hours (around 2:30am) on November 12th my firstborn, Sassy (4 legged but, she was MY child) passed away and shortly after I started having nightmares about us burying her alive and all these thoughts in my head during the day of the same thing. To say the least since her passing I have had very bad insomnia.
My Puddy girl is gone and I am lost without her.

Not even a few days later I had a big falling out with my sister who seems to think I shouldn't be hurting as much as I am over the adoption failure. Yes, it is our fault that it failed but - that doesn't mean that it hurts any less.

So just to recap since the beginning of October I lost my job, adoption failed, lost all of the people that I trusted the most and thought were real friends, mother in law moved in not even a few days after I lost my job, and now my bestfriend/child/little old lady/my heartache healer all wrapped into one has passed away.

There are days I don't even want to wake up anymore. (When I do sleep that is).
I'm just trying to put one foot infront of the other.

I know there are people out there that would like to see me fail and are probably happy that I am so sad - they think I deserve it.
But, I wish nothing but the best for them and I miss them even though I know I shouldn't.

T minus 30 days and counting..

Well, not really. Technically.. it could be anytime!
"IT" is D-Day (Delivery Day!)
EEEK!
Arabella will be here any time!
Scary and exciting all in one breathe!
I can't wait to see her beautiful little squishy face and hold her, smell her and cuddle her!
My baby will be here soon! Isn't that crazy to think about!?
Baby Mama is doing well.. we talk still all the time and I really feel like she and her kids are an extension of our family. I love her so much not only for one she is giving us but, because she is a fantastic person and I know that outside of this we would have been friends.

Overwhelming

We are going to be parents in October.
Holy crappola!
Baby Mama is starting to have contractions but nothing major.. Braxton Hicks I'd imagine.
This is her 3rd pregnancy so she knows her body well enough.

We are slowly getting things ready for Bella.
I'm cloth diaper obsessed!
We have all her clothes washed (preemie to 0-3) and put away as well as bedding & blankets.
other sizes we have stashed in totes separated by size.

I *still* don't have a diaper bag picked out.. we have one (Tinkerbell from Walmart) that I bought I think over a year ago maybe 2 since I'm Tinkerbell obsessed BUT.. I don't know if I really like it because of its shape and I'm not sure if it will be practical especially for cloth diapering.

baby oh baby

Things are going great with the adoption right now its just a waiting game until baby is here.
For those of you that don't know already we have chosen Arabella Johannah to be her name.
Baby Mama thinks she's going to be here way before October... which makes me nervous because we still have so much to do!

Fundraising for adoption

We are doing several fundraisers (or atleast hope to)
to cover the costs of the legal fees for our adoption.
If you haven't noticed already there is a ChipIn widget at the top of this page under the banner.
If anybody has any ideas for a fundraiser please let me know!

Leave me a comment or email me here wakitalou@gmail.com

Visiting this strange new island.

Being an infertile woman I always felt like I was on a different island than those without fertility problems.. maybe even another planet.

Its like the part in the movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.. the part where they visit the Island of Misfit Toys -
if you don't know what I'm talking about check this link --> Island of Misfit Toys

Right now I am just on a visit with one little toe on the island and the rest of me is still on the Island of Misfit Infertiles.

I am part of this "secret" sorority where there are pretty strict requirements for membership.

#1 You must have tried every single thing you could to try to get pregnant.
#2 You must be mentally drained and heart broken.
#3 You must be a jealous, bitter and infertile hag.

If you do not meet those requirements than you belong on the Island of Fertiles.
And never shall the two meet.. or atleast not entirely.
Once you've been on the Isle of Infertiles.. you will always call it home. Sure, you can visit the Island of Fertiles but you will never entirely fit in.

I found this quote recently here..
"The struggle of infertility can transform even the most psychologically sound woman into a fragile being that after time even she doesn’t recognize."
I couldn't have said it better!

Here's a scenario for those that have never been on the Isle of Infertile (pronounce it like this In-Fur-Tee-lay, makes it sound all beachy and tropical doesn't it?)

Scenario:
There are four women in a room...
#1 has a newborn baby, no other children
#2 has a newborn baby and 2 other children at home
#3 is pregnant and has one at home
The first 3 are all in their late teens/early 20's.
#4 is the elephant in the room at the age of 28 with no children.

1,2, are holding their babies and 1,2, & 3 are all talking about pregnancy stuff, parenting stuff and new baby chat.. and #4 is sitting there awkwardly with nothing to say. #4 can only wish that she were on the same planet as these other 3.

This is how my life is most of the time. My husband and I are one of the very few couples that we know that are our age or older and don't have children.

I've never been able to discuss diapering, feeding, poops & pees.. or anything of the sort without feeling like an outsider or an impostor.

Now with this pending adoption, I finally feel a little bit comfortable venturing over to the other island to discuss such things... still awkward but, I'm getting there.

-Lou

Pissed at God

First off.. let me excuse myself right now and if you can't handle an occasional wordy dird than go ahead and hit the back button or whatever you gotta do because I'm gonna say whats on my mind tonight.

I am PISSED OFF at God right now..
Isn't the first time and I'm certain it will not be the last.
And don't worry about me going to hell for being pissed at God..
he's big enough to handle my anger and he knows I'll only be pissed for a little while.
God is the only person I've never held a grudge against.. atleast for long.

So - why am I so pissed?

There is a baby that entered the gates of heaven today at the age of 4 & 1/2 months old.
His parents also suffered from infertility and struggled for a long time to finally conceive him through the miracle of IVF.
So here's why I'm pissed, confused and just not understanding the sense in this.
God allowed them to finally conceive this precious baby only to take him away after 4 & 1/2 months of his life?

Job 1:21:

"And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Here I am being selfish and self centered thinking of my own feelings towards this horrible event... If I feel this much heartache for the pain my friends are feeling in the loss of their baby.. their pain must be unmeasurable.

If you read this blog and are the praying kind.. please pray for peace for my friends and their family.